Facade of The Facewiper

It's a popular belief that brainiacs are cocky and lack social skills, but it's a moot point. What's really interesting is the tendency to be cocky, just so that he/she is percieved to be intelligent; perfect example of logical fallacy - correlation proves causation. I've been blessed with a workplace with numerous such personalities. Each one of them have various intensities of acquired-cockiness as a facade to hide the reality. From what I've observed, cockiness grows exponentially with stupidity and my office has got the benchmark of a personality for this; we call him affectionately as - The Facewiper - going by his remarkable ability to wipe his own face every 15 seconds; perhaps the only 'ability' which I've known him to possess.
Few lines to celebrate my glorious interactions with him:
The Facewiper
Cocky like a high-end consultant, O his ways
His talk to a sane man is more inane than brays
System makes him the 'leader' cause his name is so bright
Thus keeping this moron out of productive loop, serves him right
Relax O Facewiper, Relax O Facewiper
Wiping it so hard isn't gonna make it any brighter

FOK - Fountain Of Knowledge

FOK
Always talking over phone
On a line which is company owned
Hands behind his hollow head
Posture which makes everyone want him dead
There he sits - "The Fountain Of Knowledge" Winner of my grudge, winner of my grudge

Appears to be just out of a Srilankan cave
Doesn't even deserve to be a slave
Corporate system makes him the newest architect
Is this a promotion or a suckup racket?
There he sits - "The Fountain Of Knowledge" Winner of my grudge, winner of my grudge

Doesn't know handcuffs from cufflinks, his ideas so inane
A dunce crow in reality but thinks he's a crane
Griping about salary and browsing for cars
His wife all fed up has bashed his face to scars
There he sits - "The Fountain Of Knowledge"Winner of my grudge, winner of my grudge

With a heart blacker than his own slimy face
Proves it takes more than sincere hardwork to win the ratrace
Armed with just the talent to suckup to managers' whims and fancy
Has proven yet again that what it really takes is sychophancy
There he sits - "The Fountain Of Knowledge"Winner of my grudge, winner of my grudge

MBP - Most Bitched about Personality

Every office has a character which is hated universally. Mine has one too and people love hating him. He's the quintessential suckup artist, a role model for anyone who aspires to move up in the hierarchy without any sweat. If you were to describe him in one word, it would be - SUCK; his personality represents many forms of this word.
he sucks (noun) - there can't be a more inadequate and useless character than him. Infact, the only real use you can put him to is - as the baseline against which uselessness can be measured.
he sucksup (verb) - he can write a book called "million ways to flatter your boss"
he sucks (verb) - he's a parasite/leech, who thrives by sucking on the talent and hardwork of others around.
As you can imagine, portrayal of this snake needs many more posts. So in this one, I'll just attempt to list some innovative nicknames of the MBP (Most Bitched about Personality) of my office:

1. Black God - represents combination of his lovely complexion and management's imagination about His abilities
   
2. Slave/Sri Lankan Slave (of an Arab lord) - creative interpretation of an incident where a Slovak girl was chatting with MBP's colleague on a flight and was surprised to realise that MBP and his colleague were from the same country; she'd imagined MBP to be an African and his colleague an Arab. Our theory is - the girl thought that MBP was a slave following his Arab lord. Given that MBP is too short to be an African and his first onsite assignment was in Colombo for over an year, we called him "The Sri Lankan Slave"
   
3. TART - short for Technical Architect. He's the perfect example of a Dilbert strip which describes a software architect as - someone who does no real work while allegedly being very valuable
   
4. Doctor - his expert advice reminded someone of a quack sitting in a roadside tent, announcing his expertise over microphone
   
5. Fountain Of Knowledge a.k.a FOK - goes around asking silly questions and begs for an answer. After a few minutes, he barfs those answers as his own knowledge oozing out

Only 5? Guys, don't you think he deserves many more?

Gripe and Glory

You must've come across a million articles with countless & mindless "ways to beat job stress"; from picking up a new hobby, amicable social life, to yoga, working out in the gym and bedroom likewise! How many of these ideas have you actually tried out? and how many worked? ZERO. Ever wondered why? It's because these ideas focus on the symptoms than root cause. Nice and that sounds technical too. And like all advices from 'experts', this line too is a typical bollywood actress - bullshit decorated to look good.
In my experience with stress from corporate crap, traditional methods of remedy just fall flat. Hypothesis explored here is that the most effective way to deal with stress is - BITCH (not the noun. verb). It's easy, simple, needs no equipment, money or special skills. All it needs is like-minded and reliable co-workers. It does depend on extrinsic factor of you being able to find the right company to bitch about work. But eventually, you're bound to find each other and you'll be at it in no time. With time, you'll develop cynicism needed to rationalize and bear the stupidity around you, thereby making you immune to stress.What are you waiting for? Gripe your way to nirvana!